listen to me
your heart is still beating
you still have air in your lungs
and you still have a shot
do not give up
you don’t understand i would sell my firstborn to know how this story started
Well it all started when Mrs. Hayfer wanted me to babysit her dumb house. When I got the keys, I sat them on top of this pie that I found on the counter. I knew it was going to be given to the family for desert if I didn’t eat it soon, so I was going to plan to eat it in my teacher’s house and dump all the crumbs on her bed. So it’s a win-win, right? Besides, she wouldn’t find out about the crumbs until after I was paid, and this teacher hates me anyway. Then, I got distracted when this hot cheerleader calls me, asking about what movie I’d recommend, but before I could answer, I realize that my mom would be there any second to serve dinner, and there was no way I was sharing that pie. So I bust out of there with the pie and the keys, and the moment I get in the house, I start chowing down on the pie with my bare hands, trying to eat this thing before anyone knows I took it, right? Well, since the pie crust was dry, I chugged a 2-liter bottle of soda whenever my throat would get dry and eventually, I really needed “to go.” Only when I went to flush, the water wouldn’t stop flowing and there was no plunger to be found. Usually I’d just shrug and say it was Josh’s fault or something, but let’s get real here, Mrs. Hayfer would’ve blamed me about her toilet overflowing if I was 30 states away. So I jammed my foot in there, hoping it’d make the toilet stop flushing. Then my phone rings, and I knew it was my mom, asking where her pie went, and because Meghan decided it’d be a great idea to make my ring tone a bunch of cats meowing, Mrs. Hayfer’s dog, Tiberius starts freaking out, bashing into the door over and over again. Now anyone who knows this dog knows that this dog will happily eat anything, and that includes the pie, and probably myself. So my foot’s totally stuck in there right, I’m freaking out, the dog’s having a seizure and I still got half a pie left.
Disney Dudes // Keeping It Suave
I’ve never seen a greater post in my life.
- Rolling Stone: Did you know Frank Ocean was gay before he came out last year?
- Tyler, the Creator: Yeah, I was one of the first people he told. I kinda knew, because he likes Pop Tarts without frosting on them, so I knew something was weird. But that’s my nigga.
Yesterday a guy came up to me at work was like “How are you ever going to get a job with all those piercings?”
I’ll say that again.
A guy came up to me
and asked “How are you ever going to get a job with all those piercings?”
The posts that pop up during finals week are the best kinds of posts
do most american world maps seriously have america in the centre?
WE DO HAHAHAHA
Are you fucking kidding me.
In Chinese maps, Asia is in the center. Which nation is centralized depends on the map’s origins.
In Canada, our maps are cut through the Pacific, so we don’t offend anyone.
sometimes i feel like canadian stereotypes go too far and then this happens
Australian maps are upside down so Australia is above everyone else
you think this is a joke
are you fucking serious
Looks like someone got a hold of the whiteboard from 221 B Baker Street.
what’s amazing is that this is exactly what I imagine their handwriting to be